Halloween blues

Halloween is one of my least favorite holidays. It ranks up there with Valentine's Day but for entirely different reasons. Or, perhaps not? Given my fondness for sugary treats, it is completely counterintuitative that i dislike both of these holidays. But, what can i say? I am like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. (Bonus points if you get that reference!)

I am not exactly sure when my dislike of Halloween came to be, though i am sure that i must have enjoyed it as a kid. I mean, what kid doesn't like Halloween? Being rewarded with a pillow case full of candy for playing dress up. Not a bad deal. (Note: we were not allowed to use pillow cases for trick or treating, we actually had these big plastic pumpkins; i remember something about pillow cases being too greedy, or something like that.) But at some point over the years, i started to dislike Halloween.

I can pretty much sum it up in two words: costume envy! I can never come up with a good costume. Then, i go to a party and see so many great costumes and i feel completely inadequate. So, every year i vow that i am going to start planning next year's costume at the end of the summer, which will guarantee that i will have a kick ass costume. Alas, the never happens. Ever.

Admittedly, I have been able to throw together some decent costumes. As a kid, i remember going as a devil. I wore a red leotard, red face paint, carried a pitchfork made out of a broom handle, and had a long red tail. Talk about DIY! A few years ago i went as a mermaid, which turned out to be somewhere between sexy and creepy on the costume continuum. I rocked a cave woman costume more than once -- not much to that one but a piece of brown furry fabric, which was probably intended for some over-achieving mom to make a cute little bear costume for a toddler. Though i personally think that the animal bones in my hair were what really made that one!

And, speaking of toddlers, what the heck is up with people who take their infant trick or treating? I mean, i understand dressing them up for a photo shoot for family and friends, one that will likely come back to haunt the poor child when s/he starts dating ("And here she is dressed up as a pumpkin...isn't that just the cutest ever?"). And i thought that i lacked costume creativity! But when grown adults come to my door with a child who cannot walk or talk, i practically bite my tongue off when what i really want to say is "Seriously? You are either the worst parent ever, feeding your infant child this garbage at such an early age OR you are too cheap to buy candy and stay at home and hand it out to the neighborhood kids OR you are using your child to collect free candy from your neighbors when you could just go buy some at the market and spare us all, your own child included! So really, either way, you're kinda lame." But of course i don't say that. Actually, to be honest, i do not really think that either. Well, maybe just a little bit.

But, i also do not hand out gratuitous costume compliments -- nope, you've gotta earn it, folks. Rest assured, if you're costume is that awesome, i will definitely let you know. I mean, i can appreciate the fact that you have put thought and energy into your costume, even as my ego takes yet another hit and i berate myself for my own lack of creativity once again this year. Halloween may not be such a good holiday for the self-critical.

I am pretty sure that Halloween is also responsible for my early onset claustrophobia. Remember those costumes in the 70s -- the ones with crappy masks and other extremely flammable materials? Breathing through those things was practically impossible, requiring constant removal of the damn thing. And those masks were usually in the trash by the end of the night They were clearly intended to only be worn once, judging by how easily they ripped and the string meant to hold them in place lost its elasticity within the first 20 minutes of being taken out of the package (which was definitely well before Halloween). In any event, i cannot do masks that cover my entire face, nor can i be in confined spaces without freaking out. Is Halloween to blame? Who really knows, but for the purposes of today, i will  say that it is.

In addition to my own Halloween anxieties, one of the worst things about Halloween is the unpredictable weather. The only thing that is guaranteed on the last day of October is that it will be dark by about 4:30 PM! It might be cold, warm, raining, or snowing, but it will be dark. On one hand, carrying flashlights is fun. On the other hand, having to wear a puffy down jacket over your costume is a complete buzz kill. "Well, I can't really tell what your costume is..." Uhm, yeah, well that's what happens when it is 30 degrees out, lady; my mom makes me wear a jacket.

Since I bought my house three years ago, i have spent Halloween night at home, handing out candy to the cowboys, the princesses, the ghosts, the zombies, the lions, the superheroes, and even to the teenagers who are clearly not dressed up as anything. Given that my dog, lila, goes bananas every time someone comes to the door, i am pretty sure that i deserve a gold star for my efforts. Seriously, grabbing the bowl of candy, wrangling the dog, and getting the front door open before the kiddos knock a second time is worthy of an Olympic medal. (Yes, they have to knock because for some reason so many houses in Portland do not have doorbells, including mine.) I think this year i am going to make a little game out of this: i will time myself with each group that comes to the door and see what my fastest time is and reward myself with the leftover candy. The Halloween dash, it's the new decathlon.

Lest you think that I only have negative things to say about Halloween, i do have some positive memories. I think my favorite is probably the Halloween i spent in West Africa when i was a student at the University of Ghana in 1993. A small contingent of American students decided that it would be fun to have a Halloween party with our Ghanaian friends, who do not celebrate this holiday. Someone hosted a party in their dorm room. I had a long black dress that i wore on a regular basis the entire year that i was in Ghana, so, naturally, i went as a witch. Yeah, i also had an imaginary friend that was an elephant named, wait for it...elephant. Creativity may not be my strong suit. But that may be worthy of its own dedicated blog post.

So, there you have it. My first Halloween blog. Thanks to my dear old friend, Cheryl, for the inspiration.

Enjoy your Halloween, my friends! And, please remember that if you hand out raisins, dental floss,  stickers, or pencils, you have no grounds to complain if your pumpkins get smashed.