commitment. there, i said it. and really, it was not all that hard. talking the talk is easy, it is walking the talk that is infinitely more challenging. at least when it comes to this word. well, at least for me.
i have dated enough textbook commitment-phoebes to feel quite confident in saying that my inability to walk the commitment talk has nothing to do with relationships. (yes, this from the mouth of a never been married 40-year old whose longest relationship to date was a three and a half year emotional roller coaster of on-again/off-again power struggles that was enough to turn the pope into an atheist.) but i digress. truly, my problem with commitment is not about relationships. really. it isn't. but therein lies the problem. what is it about? this month--the first of my 40s--has been the first chapter in my journey to answer that question.
so here is what i do know about myself when it comes to commitment. generally speaking, if i make a commitment to my friends, family, coworkers, or in some cases a complete stranger, i will do what i say i am going to do. the only time that this may not hold true is when it comes to social events where my presence, or lack thereof, will have little to no impact. if it is your wedding, i will be there. if it is a Halloween party with 100 people and i am still without a costume three hours prior, you will probably get a text that says something like "i have no costume and think that i am going to sit this one out. have a great time!" the former clearly being much more important than the latter. yes? similarly, if i sign up for a class, schedule a hair or nail appointment or doctor's visit, i will show up. so, when commitment has a direct impact on people i love, honor, and respect, i can walk the commitment talk with ease.
i think my issue with commitment may entirely be when it is commitment to myself, which i think is probably why i am constantly participating in cleanses and challenges, generally though not exclusively related to my health--just to prove to myself that i can do commitment. case in point: today is the last day of the 21-day yoga challenge that i decided to do somewhat on a whim earlier this month. if one defines success by percentages, i clearly failed; i did not even achieve 50%. that is a big fat F. so, i failed at my commitment to myself. but i am somehow completely okay with that--far more okay than i would be if i failed in my commitment to someone else. so, i am left bit confused. don't get me wrong, i have spent a good deal of my life living in confusion, but this is different. because this is, as near as i can tell, acceptance. not acceptance of defeat or failure but acceptance of the fact that i made a commitment to myself and did not achieve my goal. and, as a result of my lack of follow through, no lives were harmed or hurt and, as near as i can tell, the planet did not stop spinning. i simply did not make time to practice yoga once a day for 21 consecutive days.
so, there it is. chapter one: accepting my inability to walk the commitment talk when it comes to myself. alas, the quest will continue. i look forward to uncovering what chapter two holds!
PS - did i mention that i signed up for a 21-day meditation challenge that starts next week?
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Anais Nin was right!
every year my birthday celebration starts at midnight on New Year's Eve and continues into the first day of the year. officially, i was born at 5:55 AM (please correct me if i am wrong here, mom) on January 1, 1972. so, yes, this year i celebrated my 40th and it was definitely one of the best. ever.
despite the fact that my birthday is always connected to this major holiday, i, like many, find New Year's Eve to be somewhat of an anticlimactic holiday. people often make a big deal about what they are going to do and where they will be when the clock strikes midnight, but at the end of the day, it is really just another day in the calendar of life. there are a couple of bonuses for me, however. one is that i am almost never alone on my birthday. then there is the fact that i never have to work. another is that after all of the auld lang syne, hugs, kisses and "happy new year!" proclamations, what follows is often a second round of celebrating, with the "happy new year!" replaced with "happy birthday, Amy!" so, really, how can i complain?! i get to be with my friends ringing in both a new calendar year and another year-long chapter in the book of my life. not a bad thing at all.
most years, my plans for NYE/my birthday involve music. this surely comes as no surprise to those who know me well. despite the fact that i abandoned all hopes of being the next Janis Joplin (or, more likely in those days, one of the Abba girls) and quit playing my Sears Roebuck guitar when i learned that i actually had to practice. and, given that my singing career (and really my ability to carry a tune) was thwarted with the realization that being in chorus was not really 'cool'--this, incidentally, was completely confusing to me because at the Fay School, where i attended 6th grade, it was completely acceptable and even 'cool' to be part of chorus, and yet at the public school i transferred to in 7th grade, it was hard enough to just be the new girl, let alone join any extracurricular activities where the kids had all been BFFs since kindergarten (this is not to say that i ever had a chance at being 'cool' in my new school, but i certainly did not want to do anything to make a bad situation worse!). but, i digress. the point was that music is not only central to my life, but it is often a focal point of my birthday. this year was no different.
but i want to talk about music for a minute. for about the first 12 or 13 years of my life, i spent nearly every weekend from May until September anxiously awaiting my father's arrival home from work on Friday night so that we could head to our Cape Cod house. it was about a 1.5 hour trip and the two best parts were stopping at McDonald's for dinner and getting to pick out which tapes we would listen on the trip. the choices were somewhat slim but included John Denver, Abba (several album choices), The Big Chill movie soundtrack, and Linda Ronstadt (though I think my dad was the only one to ever choose her!). so yes, I was singing along to Dancing Queen as a kiddo, long before it made its modern day revival amongst drunk bridesmaids at the wedding of their sorority sister.
as i have aged, music has continued to be central to my life in even more rich and meaningful ways, from the grateful dead to music festivals to some unheard of singer/songwriter at an open mic at the local watering hole. i love it all. truth be told, music is at the root of several of my most meaningful friendships.
“Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together.” ~ Anais Nin
this quote might just be the perfect expression of the impact that music has had and continues to have in my life. it is not just about music melting the individual parts of our own bodies together, rather the melting together of individuals --many becoming ONE! and that is one reason why my 40th birthday trip was so perfect: it was about music but, more importantly, it was about the friendships that have blossomed out of a shared love for music -- the melting together of separate individuals into ONE.
a couple of months ago i was talking about my plans for NYE/my birthday with some friends. i let them know that i was planning on taking a road trip to california to visit friends and to go see furthur on NYE in san francisco. for those who are not aware, furthur is a band that includes grateful dead veterans bob weir and phil lesh, as well as several other talented and wonderful musicians. one of these friends made a somewhat condescending remark about my plans, suggesting that the days of the grateful dead were 'over' and it was time to move on. being my sensitive self, i felt a little bit hurt. but when i came across these words by Anais Nin while thumbing through a book during this little road trip, it all clicked. i realized that this person was missing the point. he was focusing on the band instead of the music -- the destination instead of the journey, the separateness instead of the togetherness.
as i kick off a new year--and a new decade--i am appreciating the sweetness of music and giving thanks for all of the opportunities it provides me to melt together as one, with both long-time friends and total strangers.
to quote grateful dead lyricist Robert Hunter ~ let there be songs, to fill the air! please give it a listen!
here's to a year ahead full of laughter, peace, love, abundance, friendship + MUSIC!
despite the fact that my birthday is always connected to this major holiday, i, like many, find New Year's Eve to be somewhat of an anticlimactic holiday. people often make a big deal about what they are going to do and where they will be when the clock strikes midnight, but at the end of the day, it is really just another day in the calendar of life. there are a couple of bonuses for me, however. one is that i am almost never alone on my birthday. then there is the fact that i never have to work. another is that after all of the auld lang syne, hugs, kisses and "happy new year!" proclamations, what follows is often a second round of celebrating, with the "happy new year!" replaced with "happy birthday, Amy!" so, really, how can i complain?! i get to be with my friends ringing in both a new calendar year and another year-long chapter in the book of my life. not a bad thing at all.
most years, my plans for NYE/my birthday involve music. this surely comes as no surprise to those who know me well. despite the fact that i abandoned all hopes of being the next Janis Joplin (or, more likely in those days, one of the Abba girls) and quit playing my Sears Roebuck guitar when i learned that i actually had to practice. and, given that my singing career (and really my ability to carry a tune) was thwarted with the realization that being in chorus was not really 'cool'--this, incidentally, was completely confusing to me because at the Fay School, where i attended 6th grade, it was completely acceptable and even 'cool' to be part of chorus, and yet at the public school i transferred to in 7th grade, it was hard enough to just be the new girl, let alone join any extracurricular activities where the kids had all been BFFs since kindergarten (this is not to say that i ever had a chance at being 'cool' in my new school, but i certainly did not want to do anything to make a bad situation worse!). but, i digress. the point was that music is not only central to my life, but it is often a focal point of my birthday. this year was no different.
but i want to talk about music for a minute. for about the first 12 or 13 years of my life, i spent nearly every weekend from May until September anxiously awaiting my father's arrival home from work on Friday night so that we could head to our Cape Cod house. it was about a 1.5 hour trip and the two best parts were stopping at McDonald's for dinner and getting to pick out which tapes we would listen on the trip. the choices were somewhat slim but included John Denver, Abba (several album choices), The Big Chill movie soundtrack, and Linda Ronstadt (though I think my dad was the only one to ever choose her!). so yes, I was singing along to Dancing Queen as a kiddo, long before it made its modern day revival amongst drunk bridesmaids at the wedding of their sorority sister.
as i have aged, music has continued to be central to my life in even more rich and meaningful ways, from the grateful dead to music festivals to some unheard of singer/songwriter at an open mic at the local watering hole. i love it all. truth be told, music is at the root of several of my most meaningful friendships.
“Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together.” ~ Anais Nin
this quote might just be the perfect expression of the impact that music has had and continues to have in my life. it is not just about music melting the individual parts of our own bodies together, rather the melting together of individuals --many becoming ONE! and that is one reason why my 40th birthday trip was so perfect: it was about music but, more importantly, it was about the friendships that have blossomed out of a shared love for music -- the melting together of separate individuals into ONE.
a couple of months ago i was talking about my plans for NYE/my birthday with some friends. i let them know that i was planning on taking a road trip to california to visit friends and to go see furthur on NYE in san francisco. for those who are not aware, furthur is a band that includes grateful dead veterans bob weir and phil lesh, as well as several other talented and wonderful musicians. one of these friends made a somewhat condescending remark about my plans, suggesting that the days of the grateful dead were 'over' and it was time to move on. being my sensitive self, i felt a little bit hurt. but when i came across these words by Anais Nin while thumbing through a book during this little road trip, it all clicked. i realized that this person was missing the point. he was focusing on the band instead of the music -- the destination instead of the journey, the separateness instead of the togetherness.
as i kick off a new year--and a new decade--i am appreciating the sweetness of music and giving thanks for all of the opportunities it provides me to melt together as one, with both long-time friends and total strangers.
to quote grateful dead lyricist Robert Hunter ~ let there be songs, to fill the air! please give it a listen!
here's to a year ahead full of laughter, peace, love, abundance, friendship + MUSIC!
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